Will Masturbating Make You Better at Your Job?

On solo sex and productivity.

The 3 pm slump is a familiar conundrum: After however-many-hours spent clacking away at a computer, once your lunch is all good and digested, there’s an inevitable down-trend in your productivity. Your eyes glaze over; a nap sounds good. Maybe you should have a snack? Is it too late for another coffee? Is it too early for a drink? You know the drill.

As it turns out, though, there is indeed a better solution when it comes to kickstarting your brain just as it’s beginning to rebel — and it doesn’t involve gin or caffeine. Might we suggest: The midday masturbation break. It’s free (unlike a snack), it won’t keep you up at night (like a coffee), and it’s a hell of a lot healthier than starting happy hour a few hours ahead of schedule. Plus, for folks sticking to a remote work regimen, it’s never been easier.

Feeling skeptical? Allow us to explain.

Masturbation helps relieve stress & tension
Orgasm has long been touted as a stress reliever — and if you’re powering your way through back-to-back meetings and unread emails in the triple digits, to maintain your momentum, you may need a way of . Sure, you could take a walk to self-soothe, but you could also orgasm — which is objectively more fun.

It releases endorphins (which will energize you and make you happier)
proven that folks are both more productive and all-around better at their jobs when they’re happier at work. And orgasm — which releases immediate endorphins, eliciting a sense of euphoria or joy — is likely your quickest and most un-complex way to introduce a bit more positivity into your workday.

Short breaks are always good for improving focus
When you hit that 3 pm slump, it’s likely that you’ll need a break of some kind, no matter what that looks like. Human brains require some breathing room here and there to keep operating at maximum capacity — which is all to say, you should be taking a quick break anyway. And what better way to spend your 15 minutes off than a quick wank-sesh so to speak?

Masturbation can act as a self-motivated reward
Unlike, say, doing jumping jacks, afternoon delight is something to look forward to. So if you find yourself losing steam at work, it can help to promise yourself a reward at the end of a daunting task or a series of meetings. And orgasm makes for a pretty excellent reward (certainly superior to cardio).

It’s a convenient stand-in for other vices
For most of us, hitting a wall at work means turning to something else for stimulation — whether that’s a coffee, a drink, a bag of chips, or a cigarette. Think about it — these are fairly common afternoon break accouterments. So, if you fill that void, instead, with a little solo play sesh, you’ll rule out nicotine — but you’ll still feel gratified.

Originally published at .

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