Why the holidays can feel like high school all over again.
Returning home for the holidays is often a welcome form of regression: Beyond relishing the glorious fact that your parents want to feed you (and if you’re lucky, do your laundry) you also enjoy the supreme pleasure of re-inhabiting your childhood bedroom. And likely there are few spaces more outrightly nostalgic in your life than the small celeb-enshrined enclave in which you spent years a) doing science homework b) mourning your break-up with Kyle from homeroom and c) a sea of sexual firsts. Which is to say, if you’re bringing a partner home for the holidays, you’ll likely find yourself having sleeping in your childhood boudoir.
Realistically speaking, there’s some underlying sex appeal, here. The allure of intercourse while faced with a framed poster of a 90s heartthrob, or your adolescent soccer team is a unique kind of magic. It can feel sultry and illicit — or at the very least, a bit like a reclaiming of your braces phase (look at me now). That said, twin bed sex on rocket ship sheets can also have the opposite effect: The environs of your youth can certainly operate as a boner killer. So, for the sake of your holiday fornication — in between gorging yourself on free leftovers — here are a handful of top line tips for making sex in your childhood bedroom, umm, bearable. A quickie may have to do the trick.
We cannot stress this one enough: Lock the door. While holiday regression is pleasant in so many ways, it often comes with a caveat: boundaries cease to exist. So yes, someone will march into your room unannounced.
Take down photos of your exes. Sure, we think these are essential mementos. Absolutely, you should hold onto ’em for nostalgic purposes. But, while trying to get in the zone with someone new in the precise locale where you spent many-a-night banging your youthful ex, the last thing you need is a framed photographs of the two of you glaring out from the wall.
Remember to buy protection preemptively. No, the decades-old condoms in your sock drawer are not a good idea. Oh, and be sure to dispose of protection responsibly. It’s the least you can do.
Do some sound proofing. Whether that means cranking the A/C or blasting a Christmas movie, know that you are certainly not home alone. And likely, the walls are thinner than you think.
Consider strategic timing. Boning while the whole family is seated at dinner just below you might not be the best solution. But take into consideration the most bustling moments of holiday madness — think: pre-meal cooking and festive decorating — and slink off quietly. No one will notice your absence, and likely, the whole crew will be too distracted to wonder why you’re blasting Home Alone from your bedroom.
Get Creative. Likely, your childhood bedroom is outfitted with a standardized twin bed. You might’ve guessed that, at your age, twin bed sex gets more difficult. That said, if you’d like to steer clear of the rickety old thing to begin with (and thus avoid any flashbacks to a far less couth sexual period in your life), consider some standing action. Maybe even the floor. Anything to keep you away from those rocket ship sheets.
Originally published at https://getmaude.com.